Shit Bruce Says

"Everybody saying 'God save the Queen' didn't work to well, did it?"

"Bollocks."

"Hey mate, I promise you that I am not a meglomaniac... But the site is down."

"Oh God, I need Vicodin in Patron is what I need."

"I quit."

"They are all Bloody Muppets."

"They will probably cock it up."

"I’m a daft arse."

"I'm not teaching a duck to suck eggs."

"You may as well put your balls in a vice, because it's tightening..."

"If I fart in my apartment I'll get a concussion."

"When my hair was long, it looked like an explosion in a mattress factory."

"Mum, stick the rashers up your bum."

"He is a fucking peasant."

"I spend so much time on the can, I'll read the whole thing tonight."

"I'm stubborn as a fucking mule."

"He's got a foetus walking around with an umbilical cord for a project manager."

"It smells like farts in here."

"I don't care if we have to pee out a window as long as we get it to work."

"She's an herbivore."

"I look like an explosion in a mattress factory."

"It's like a hornets' nest... of shit."

"He is all mouth and no trousers."

"It'd be fast, like greased weasel shit."

"Nice to bloody meet you."

"It works at 2%, but farts at 3%."

"They don't know fuck-all about that."

"He had a face like a smacked arse."

"What are you worried about, the color of your socks?"

"He is a yard dog."

"I own it, my nuts are in the sling for it - I can do what I want."

"Bloody Muppets. Everywhere."

"They're castrating me."

"The client needs a personal touch."

"I'm going to push him down the escalator. I used to kill people for a living."

"I'm scared, my arse is going quarter - dime - quarter - dime."

"Fuck me gently with a crowbar."

"Shirt's a bit tight. My nipples are sore. Gonna have to put pasties on over lunch."

"I’m chuffed to bits to see the hounding is starting to work."

"It's as rare as rocking horse shit."

"I'm an old fart."

"You never tell a woman it looks like the bruises on her arse are happening everytime she steps off the curb."

"They're as mad as a bulldog shitting tacks."

"The dogs bollocks."

"I'm knackered, but I think it was worth it."

"It's a bit of water."

"He's a foetus."

"My uncle should of died before he was born."

"No. You don't want to do that, not while you have a hole in your bum."

"Bless his cotton socks."

"I'm wired to the point where my arse is puckered."

"I couldn't wait in line long enough. I need access to a crapper."

"I’ll be all over that like a duck on a june bug."

"Not while I have a hole in my arse."

"We saved them 42% of their day."

"Gonna go get the four S's - shit, shower, shave, and shampoo."

"It goes up and down like a whore's drawers."

"Not as long as there is a hole in my arse."

"I don't want this to just be a grin and fuck."

"Whole Foods, you get it all buy the Vaseline."

"Product is all up my bum."

"It's the cleanest part of my body. I can clean it as fast as I want."

"I'm having a hot flush... I think I'm going through the menopause."

"The arse is not connected to the brain."

"It's worth as much as a fart in a pair of pyjamas."

"They looked at me like I had just shot their pet poodle."

"If there is a happy hour, I'll be there."

"They're all mouth and no trousers."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a scabby horse."

"The whole thing went tits up."

"She's like a fart in the wind."

"I'm losing the will to live."

"He's got the personality of a bloody shoe."

"I'm as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm."

"Build-and-release sounds like a porn movie to me. They should change their name to The Ejaculators."

"What are you tossers doing?"

"I'm going to get absolutely annihilated."

"My nuts are in a sling for it."

"Cheers."

"I'm walking around the house like Creeping Jesus."

"Our arses will be as flat as a pool table."

"I’ve been shot twice, stabbed twice, and blown up once."

"I almost went arse over what’s-it this morning."

"Every night I get home and I have palpitations."

"I'd rather teabag a mousetrap than sit in a meeting with him twice a week."

"This baby-blue Apple Watch is not my girlfriend’s."

"It’s so cold in Minnesota you have to knock the dog off the lamp-post."

"They make me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit."

"My VPN connection is up and down like a whore's drawers."

"I can multitask: I can read the paper and take a dump."

"It's like a monkey fucking a football."

"You and your mother just green-fucked me."

"I have to go back to the hotel and wash out my arsehole."