Shit Bruce Says

"IS THIS THING ON?"

"The king is a wanker"

"I'd be as welcome as a turd on a trampoline."

"I think 'Margret Thatcher naked on a cold day' to cool myself off sometimes."

"Everybody saying 'God save the Queen' didn't work to well, did it?"

"Bollocks."

"Hey mate, I promise you that I am not a meglomaniac... But the site is down."

"It's like a hornets' nest... of shit."

"If there is a happy hour, I'll be there."

"Our arses will be as flat as a pool table."

"I'm walking around the house like Creeping Jesus."

"I'd rather teabag a mousetrap than sit in a meeting with him twice a week."

"I’m a daft arse."

"The dogs bollocks."

"It smells like farts in here."

"Every night I get home and I have palpitations."

"What are you worried about, the color of your socks?"

"Fuck me gently with a crowbar."

"I'm losing the will to live."

"You may as well put your balls in a vice, because it's tightening..."

"He had a face like a smacked arse."

"What are you tossers doing?"

"I don't want this to just be a grin and fuck."

"They're castrating me."

"It's a bit of water."

"Product is all up my bum."

"They don't know fuck-all about that."

"The whole thing went tits up."

"Not while I have a hole in my arse."

"They're as mad as a bulldog shitting tacks."

"They will probably cock it up."

"He is a yard dog."

"I'm wired to the point where my arse is puckered."

"Bless his cotton socks."

"My uncle should of died before he was born."

"It's as rare as rocking horse shit."

"He's got the personality of a bloody shoe."

"We saved them 42% of their day."

"She's an herbivore."

"I'm as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm."

"She's like a fart in the wind."

"He is a fucking peasant."

"He's a foetus."

"It's the cleanest part of my body. I can clean it as fast as I want."

"If I fart in my apartment I'll get a concussion."

"I spend so much time on the can, I'll read the whole thing tonight."

"I almost went arse over what’s-it this morning."

"I'm having a hot flush... I think I'm going through the menopause."

"He is all mouth and no trousers."

"The arse is not connected to the brain."

"I'm knackered, but I think it was worth it."

"You never tell a woman it looks like the bruises on her arse are happening everytime she steps off the curb."

"Bloody Muppets. Everywhere."

"It works at 2%, but farts at 3%."

"Not as long as there is a hole in my arse."

"Gonna go get the four S's - shit, shower, shave, and shampoo."

"They're all mouth and no trousers."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a scabby horse."

"I’ll be all over that like a duck on a june bug."

"I quit."

"I have to go back to the hotel and wash out my arsehole."

"Oh God, I need Vicodin in Patron is what I need."

"I own it, my nuts are in the sling for it - I can do what I want."

"I'm going to push him down the escalator. I used to kill people for a living."

"Cheers."

"I'm stubborn as a fucking mule."

"It's like a monkey fucking a football."

"No. You don't want to do that, not while you have a hole in your bum."

"Whole Foods, you get it all buy the Vaseline."

"I'm an old fart."

"My nuts are in a sling for it."

"I look like an explosion in a mattress factory."

"Build-and-release sounds like a porn movie to me. They should change their name to The Ejaculators."

"They are all Bloody Muppets."

"I’ve been shot twice, stabbed twice, and blown up once."

"Shirt's a bit tight. My nipples are sore. Gonna have to put pasties on over lunch."

"You and your mother just green-fucked me."

"I can multitask: I can read the paper and take a dump."

"I don't care if we have to pee out a window as long as we get it to work."

"It goes up and down like a whore's drawers."

"It's worth as much as a fart in a pair of pyjamas."

"My VPN connection is up and down like a whore's drawers."

"I’m chuffed to bits to see the hounding is starting to work."

"They looked at me like I had just shot their pet poodle."

"This baby-blue Apple Watch is not my girlfriend’s."

"They make me feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit."

"I'm going to get absolutely annihilated."

"He's got a foetus walking around with an umbilical cord for a project manager."

"When my hair was long, it looked like an explosion in a mattress factory."

"The client needs a personal touch."

"Mum, stick the rashers up your bum."

"Nice to bloody meet you."

"I'm not teaching a duck to suck eggs."

"It'd be fast, like greased weasel shit."

"I couldn't wait in line long enough. I need access to a crapper."

"It’s so cold in Minnesota you have to knock the dog off the lamp-post."

"I'm scared, my arse is going quarter - dime - quarter - dime."